Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time.

With new research coming out this week saying that mums spending time online were more anxious than those that didn't, it got me thinking about how I used the internet when I was a new(ish) mum.

More importantly, it got me thinking what I'd do differently.

This is great advice for parents (mums and dads) and parents to be.

I was not one of those people that breezed into parenting and found it simple to be at home with a baby, although really, who is that person?

The first sign that being at home with a baby might be hard for me was maternity leave – the first week I was practically hanging from the ceilings! 

For someone who relished feeling ‘productive’in the way our culture defines productive, it was hard to feel soooo ‘unproductive’ as a new parent.

It was such an adjustment to run by my baby’s body clock (‘nature time’) rather than the industrial clock our world now abides by.

It was so frustrating to get one thing done a day, if I was lucky. To not know what the next day or week would hold. SO MANY FREAKIN’ WONDER WEEKS!

I was tired and lonely. I missed being with my colleagues and socialising with friends that were now on different time schedules.

So I went online. A lot.

Being on the phone made me feel like I was doing SOMETHING all those hours when I was feeding and I was online every time I breastfed her.

Seeing the online world made me feel more like I was out in that world and a part of it, like I was socialising enough for me.

On the big plus side, being online exposed me to some cracking parenting blogs (I can highly recommend Janet Lansbury) and meant I could share the highs, lows and puzzles of early parenting through my Baby Centre birth month forum. The Raising Children’s Network gave me access to evidence-based information to relieve anxiety in decision-making. I shared photos and videos with people I loved around the world.

These are all the beautiful parts of being online, the parts that make life that much better and easier.

The thing was though, that I wasn’t just online for reasons of fun, interest or purpose.

I was online because it was easy, because it was habit and because I could numb out all the frustration, loneliness and boredom of early parenting through that handy escape.

This is fine for every now and then, but when ongoing it starts to interrupt the critical self-care and makes life that much harder.

Instead of problem solving and fixing or adapting to what we are struggling with in our lives, we just keep checking-out online.

In particular, always reaching for the phone when I wasn’t interacting with my baby* meant that I slept less and found it harder to get to sleep.

We all know how well we go with crappy sleep. Everything becomes really hard.

Being online a lot also meant I wasn’t proactive about easing my isolation and really wasn’t in touch with how difficult I was finding things. This meant I spent a lot of time without the support I needed, and could have found, had I reached out.

Lastly, it meant that my life wasn’t where it could have been in terms of getting the day to day stuff done which makes it run more smoothly.

So for me ­– and I’m not saying we’re all like this – being online a lot made me more tired and stressed, more out of touch with my needs and less inclined to make my life the way I wanted and needed it to be.

So what would I do differently next time, should I be so lucky? (There are a million things, but here are a few relevant snippets)

·      Go online when it was the most loving choice for me – for actual fun, connection or for a purpose, not to escape or numb.

·      Seek out as much connection and support as I need, in whatever form I can, whenever I can. Shamelessly!

·      I would turn off the phone and have good quality rest or sleep whenever an opportunity arose.

·      If I’m having a problem with something, I’d write about it, talk about it and try to work it out, rather than assuming that now I’ve got a baby I just have to put up with everything. We really do have a lot of choice, even with the new constraints.

·      I’d be more careful with my thinking and language (crazy sleepless brain willing). I hope I’d look more at what is happening e.g. I’m tired and the baby is crying, and jump less to my old dramatic thoughts that make me feel AWFUL, like  ‘this is a nightmare’ ‘I can’t cope’ and ‘this is too hard’.

Above all, I would endeavour to choose things that create joy in my life and leave me feeling better than when I started, wherever possible. 

Choosing things that are easy but leave you feeling crappy, is a recipe for blahhhh.

So those are my reflections, I hope that they validate your experiences and/or help out people living this now and in the future. For those of you that didn’t experience any of this, you can just feel really smug ;)

If you’re feeling blah for more than a week, do tell your maternal and child health nurse and your GP, look up Beyondblue , COPE and call PANDA. Funding has been cut but there is still a lot of support around. 

Lots of love to all

Lara

xxx

* Don't worry y'all, I spent LOADS of quality interaction time with my wee gal, I just grabbed the phone any time she was asleep, in the pram, not looking... She actually didn't get any screen time except through Skype until after two. So yeah, I was all about the ol' double standard!!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.

Hi everyone,

I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
 
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
 
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
 
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing. 
 
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
 
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
 
You are not someone broken to be fixed.

You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).

Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
 
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest. 

Who you really are and what you really want.
 
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be.  (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
 
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
 
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish. 

This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
 
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
 
So good!
 
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –

1. What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
2. What are your small, medium and large dreams?
3. Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
4. What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.

We had some great posts this week -

If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.

To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.

Have a great week!

Lara
xox

P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear

So often in life when we are upset we turn to other people and things to deal with it and get us through.  

Getting support from others is a wonderful thing but they cannot always be there when we need them or find the words we need to really soothe us. 

Late in my pregnancy, I was given some brilliant advice that goes some way to solving this problem:

When the baby cries a lot and you are so weary, when it all feels hard  - talk to your baby. Tell them what you need to hear in a soothing voice (even through the screams).  

"Everything will be fine, not long now, sleep will come easily, you are doing so well, all is well". 

Human bodies are designed to relax when they hear soothing voices.

The words you say to soothe your child are also words to soothe you.

Now my daughter is much older, but this still rings true for me.

When I tell her what we need to hear, it feels like the words are coming from the wisest part of me or from some broader loving universal embrace.

It feels like a warm bath washing over me.

I'm sharing this because you can use this trick anytime YOUR heart or spirit needs soothing.

Whisper to yourself or simply think of exactly what you need to hear.

For me it might be things like 'I know this is hard/frustrating, but you're doing so well and you'll be done soon'.

It's something we all desperately need - to be our own safe haven and greatest ally. When we aren't there for ourselves, things like our phones, food, work or being crazy busy come in to smother or numb the experience.

The simple truth is that we are always there, whereas others are not, and do not and really cannot know exactly what we need to hear to be soothed in our time of stress or sadness.

Only we know exactly what will hit the spot for us and press that healing, soothing button.

It might sound funny, but this can also be applied to good things. Sometimes people may not get why something is so exciting or such a big deal for you - but you do and can have your own celebration. (Incidentally, this also hits the reward centre for your brain, so you get a dopamine hit when you praise yourself - it feels good). 

Lastly, when you know the words you need to hear, then you can help those close to you by telling them what soothes you. I've done this with my husband and it is really great for you both. Expecting people to be telepathic is not the recipe for a happy relationship!

So, try it out for yourself! Next time you are needing some support and loving words, soothe yourself with the words only you know and can share. 

With love,

Lara x

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail.

Although I love brainstorming about the future, this doesn't always translate into making concrete plans.

A lack of planning really brings me undone with eating. I'm not talking diets. I'm talking plain ol' eating.

Think getting hangry, eating whatever is closest, eating what makes me feel crappy but is easy, eating out more than I wanted.

Sound familiar?

You know, where you eat so many cheese and crackers or [insert your snack of choice] that you don’t even feel like dinner?!

Self-care through food planning and regular meals

No matter how (dis)interested you are in food or cooking, the fact is that food is our fuel and has a significant affect on how our bodies run.

For me, good food is not only about energy but also about how I feel emotionally.

Our guts have 80% of our serotonin stores and the nerve running from the gut to the brain controls the passage of these precious happy and soothing brain chemicals.

Unhappy tummies and intestines really affect our emotional health.

Eating well and regularly is not just about getting hangry but also the mood/energy swings of blood sugar highs and lows that stress our body (and sometimes our relationships!), our productivity at work, zap our creativity and sabotage our inner peace.

For those of us with tricky diets due to food intolerances and allergies, food takes on another level of complication and eating food that causes pain, discomfort or other unpleasant symptoms can throw off a whole day.

Given all the benefits of eating food that loves us, how many of us care for ourselves by meal planning?

Maybe you are too tired to think of planning, or you’ve tried a little and stopped for some reason. Maybe people in your household have different eating requirements or preferences, which can take cooking to the next level of complication.

There are a handful of reasons not to plan but many more to bite the bullet and dive into planning.

So I propose something radical to be more peaceful, efficient and to nourish yourself with food.

Plan every single meal, each week, in one go.

I know, I know, seems over the top, a pain in the bum, boring and so the list goes on.

Why would I bother, you ask?

• Shopping once, instead of more frequently saves time and money.
• Planning meals means less slip-ups with intolerances/allergies or nourishing eating intentions.
• More mental space for creativity, efficiency, joy and productivity.
• More time in your day and week e.g. time for a walk at lunch beyond going to the local café, no more multiple trips to the supermarket.
• Reduce food waste.
• Feeling better: more relaxed, better blood sugar regulation and smoother emotional wellbeing.

I like using a paper tool such as this weekly planner from Kikki K (on sale). Then I can keep each week and jog my memory about different meals. You’d be surprised how little time it takes to plan your weekly meals.

With all that time and mental space you’ve cleared up, you’ll be surprised and delighted by what joys start to emerge in your life.

So go on, plan one week and see how it feels? 

One less thing to think about three times a day = a lot more energy for what you want to do.

Let's go!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.