Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time.

With new research coming out this week saying that mums spending time online were more anxious than those that didn't, it got me thinking about how I used the internet when I was a new(ish) mum.

More importantly, it got me thinking what I'd do differently.

This is great advice for parents (mums and dads) and parents to be.

I was not one of those people that breezed into parenting and found it simple to be at home with a baby, although really, who is that person?

The first sign that being at home with a baby might be hard for me was maternity leave – the first week I was practically hanging from the ceilings! 

For someone who relished feeling ‘productive’in the way our culture defines productive, it was hard to feel soooo ‘unproductive’ as a new parent.

It was such an adjustment to run by my baby’s body clock (‘nature time’) rather than the industrial clock our world now abides by.

It was so frustrating to get one thing done a day, if I was lucky. To not know what the next day or week would hold. SO MANY FREAKIN’ WONDER WEEKS!

I was tired and lonely. I missed being with my colleagues and socialising with friends that were now on different time schedules.

So I went online. A lot.

Being on the phone made me feel like I was doing SOMETHING all those hours when I was feeding and I was online every time I breastfed her.

Seeing the online world made me feel more like I was out in that world and a part of it, like I was socialising enough for me.

On the big plus side, being online exposed me to some cracking parenting blogs (I can highly recommend Janet Lansbury) and meant I could share the highs, lows and puzzles of early parenting through my Baby Centre birth month forum. The Raising Children’s Network gave me access to evidence-based information to relieve anxiety in decision-making. I shared photos and videos with people I loved around the world.

These are all the beautiful parts of being online, the parts that make life that much better and easier.

The thing was though, that I wasn’t just online for reasons of fun, interest or purpose.

I was online because it was easy, because it was habit and because I could numb out all the frustration, loneliness and boredom of early parenting through that handy escape.

This is fine for every now and then, but when ongoing it starts to interrupt the critical self-care and makes life that much harder.

Instead of problem solving and fixing or adapting to what we are struggling with in our lives, we just keep checking-out online.

In particular, always reaching for the phone when I wasn’t interacting with my baby* meant that I slept less and found it harder to get to sleep.

We all know how well we go with crappy sleep. Everything becomes really hard.

Being online a lot also meant I wasn’t proactive about easing my isolation and really wasn’t in touch with how difficult I was finding things. This meant I spent a lot of time without the support I needed, and could have found, had I reached out.

Lastly, it meant that my life wasn’t where it could have been in terms of getting the day to day stuff done which makes it run more smoothly.

So for me ­– and I’m not saying we’re all like this – being online a lot made me more tired and stressed, more out of touch with my needs and less inclined to make my life the way I wanted and needed it to be.

So what would I do differently next time, should I be so lucky? (There are a million things, but here are a few relevant snippets)

·      Go online when it was the most loving choice for me – for actual fun, connection or for a purpose, not to escape or numb.

·      Seek out as much connection and support as I need, in whatever form I can, whenever I can. Shamelessly!

·      I would turn off the phone and have good quality rest or sleep whenever an opportunity arose.

·      If I’m having a problem with something, I’d write about it, talk about it and try to work it out, rather than assuming that now I’ve got a baby I just have to put up with everything. We really do have a lot of choice, even with the new constraints.

·      I’d be more careful with my thinking and language (crazy sleepless brain willing). I hope I’d look more at what is happening e.g. I’m tired and the baby is crying, and jump less to my old dramatic thoughts that make me feel AWFUL, like  ‘this is a nightmare’ ‘I can’t cope’ and ‘this is too hard’.

Above all, I would endeavour to choose things that create joy in my life and leave me feeling better than when I started, wherever possible. 

Choosing things that are easy but leave you feeling crappy, is a recipe for blahhhh.

So those are my reflections, I hope that they validate your experiences and/or help out people living this now and in the future. For those of you that didn’t experience any of this, you can just feel really smug ;)

If you’re feeling blah for more than a week, do tell your maternal and child health nurse and your GP, look up Beyondblue , COPE and call PANDA. Funding has been cut but there is still a lot of support around. 

Lots of love to all

Lara

xxx

* Don't worry y'all, I spent LOADS of quality interaction time with my wee gal, I just grabbed the phone any time she was asleep, in the pram, not looking... She actually didn't get any screen time except through Skype until after two. So yeah, I was all about the ol' double standard!!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it.

This week I caught up with an old colleague from academia. She does great research but was growing bored of her topic and starting to think about what was next.

While we were chatting she went a little off topic and spoke about having recently remembered her passion for social justice through the great examples of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. 

I got chills.

I pointed out what she just said (the conversation had since moved swiftly along) and you could see a light go on in her whole body. Like it was flooded with electricity.

Her subconscious had just thrown out an amazing clue of where she wanted to go.

Once that spark ignited, her mind was racing and a whole new range of possibilities were fighting for air time in her brain.

It was exciting, to say the least (I have chills again remembering it)!

She is a natural change-maker, drawn to helping professions, yet it seemed she had started reaching for smaller changes than the ones she really wanted to go for. Not to detract from the wonderful things she has achieved - she's awesome - it's more about where she wants to go and what she wants to do.

Later in the conversation she admitted reluctantly that she'd always thought that she had something 'big' to do in the world. 

Have you also had that thought whisper through your mind? That you might be able to live with your heart on fire doing something 'big' in this world?

I bet you have. 

So what happened?

Well, I bet that your little 'helper', the one inside us all always scanning for danger, shuts it down toute suite.

As most of you reading are likely to have your basic needs well and truly met and hopefully are not in physical danger, this hyper-vigilant part of us focuses on potential social danger. 

Heaven knows, it doesn't want you to get on anyone's bad side by not doing exactly what you've been told growing up, or subtly by those around you now. How dare you have big plans or even worse, actually start making them happen! You might make someone feel bad or not be good enough!

That 'helper' panics when you get big ideas. It might be concerned that you're getting grandiose and too big for your boots. 

Rest assured, that deep knowing you have about being able to do something 'big' is not about being grandiose.

The ideas attached to a deep knowing tend to have a different quality about them that isn't all about the ego but about following a compelling yearning (i.e. it's not about getting a super yacht or becoming a billionaire).

They are usually about:

...changing your world in some way - like knowing you can heal from intergenerational trauma and not pass it onto your children, becoming totally you, all the time, no matter what.

...changing the whole world (why not!)- fighting for a particular group in need, getting into politics, contributing to a cause, bringing a new product or piece of art to the world, or starting a revolution!

...meeting another type of soul dream, like achieving a great challenge or meeting a big goal, like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro, mastering an instrument or speaking a language fluently.

So, what are your yearnings, no matter how 'far fetched' they may seem? 

Start dreaming and now notice how fast your brain is to dismiss them as ridiculous, too hard or to bring out the big guns... the shame tapes we ALL have in our minds*:

"Who do you think you are?"

and

"You're not good enough"

We ALL have these tapes. Are you going to take them for the Truth? Or will you choose to light your heart on fire anyway?

Go get em tigers!

Love,

Lara xx

*If you're interested in learning more about shame tapes read about the American social work scholar Dr Brene Brown - these tapes come from interviewing over 10,000 people about shame. It isn't just you ;) 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail.

Although I love brainstorming about the future, this doesn't always translate into making concrete plans.

A lack of planning really brings me undone with eating. I'm not talking diets. I'm talking plain ol' eating.

Think getting hangry, eating whatever is closest, eating what makes me feel crappy but is easy, eating out more than I wanted.

Sound familiar?

You know, where you eat so many cheese and crackers or [insert your snack of choice] that you don’t even feel like dinner?!

Self-care through food planning and regular meals

No matter how (dis)interested you are in food or cooking, the fact is that food is our fuel and has a significant affect on how our bodies run.

For me, good food is not only about energy but also about how I feel emotionally.

Our guts have 80% of our serotonin stores and the nerve running from the gut to the brain controls the passage of these precious happy and soothing brain chemicals.

Unhappy tummies and intestines really affect our emotional health.

Eating well and regularly is not just about getting hangry but also the mood/energy swings of blood sugar highs and lows that stress our body (and sometimes our relationships!), our productivity at work, zap our creativity and sabotage our inner peace.

For those of us with tricky diets due to food intolerances and allergies, food takes on another level of complication and eating food that causes pain, discomfort or other unpleasant symptoms can throw off a whole day.

Given all the benefits of eating food that loves us, how many of us care for ourselves by meal planning?

Maybe you are too tired to think of planning, or you’ve tried a little and stopped for some reason. Maybe people in your household have different eating requirements or preferences, which can take cooking to the next level of complication.

There are a handful of reasons not to plan but many more to bite the bullet and dive into planning.

So I propose something radical to be more peaceful, efficient and to nourish yourself with food.

Plan every single meal, each week, in one go.

I know, I know, seems over the top, a pain in the bum, boring and so the list goes on.

Why would I bother, you ask?

• Shopping once, instead of more frequently saves time and money.
• Planning meals means less slip-ups with intolerances/allergies or nourishing eating intentions.
• More mental space for creativity, efficiency, joy and productivity.
• More time in your day and week e.g. time for a walk at lunch beyond going to the local café, no more multiple trips to the supermarket.
• Reduce food waste.
• Feeling better: more relaxed, better blood sugar regulation and smoother emotional wellbeing.

I like using a paper tool such as this weekly planner from Kikki K (on sale). Then I can keep each week and jog my memory about different meals. You’d be surprised how little time it takes to plan your weekly meals.

With all that time and mental space you’ve cleared up, you’ll be surprised and delighted by what joys start to emerge in your life.

So go on, plan one week and see how it feels? 

One less thing to think about three times a day = a lot more energy for what you want to do.

Let's go!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.