Five ways to survive political uncertainty without losing your mind.

There is a LOT of change and uncertainty at the moment. Elections in Australia and the USA and Brexit rocking the world. We are reminded at every turn that change is afoot and it can be very unsettling, even downright terrifying.

At best, all the thinking, analysis, reading and talking about these events leads us to be well informed and active citizens. At worst, it becomes just another horrifying spectacle, leaving people stressed and distressed, with nothing to show for it except sleepless nights.

With this in mind, here are five steps to getting your head and body in the right space to be sane and useful.

1. Stick to the facts e.g. Britain has voted to leave the EU. Nothing else has happened yet and at this point, it's the stories you are reading and telling yourself that are distressing you. Remember, you don't know how this will play out. It may be better, it may be worse, but you'll be too exhausted to act if you wear yourself out early. 
2. Check in with your body when you are taking in media and social media. If you are feeling contracted, stressed and heavy, feeling flat etc. you need a break. Our bodies haven't evolved to differentiate between imagined fear and real fear, so you need to look after yourself in terms of what you read, watch etc.
3. Notice what the changes or proposed political changes make you angry or hopeful about. Get really clear. What do you fear most? Social division, growing inequities, suffering? What do you hope for? Fairness, generosity, inclusion, safety?
4. Decide how can you act in your own life, community and country to promote the values and outcomes that you hope for and fight to reduce the opportunity for the changes you fear? Take one small, imperfect step. Then another and another. 
5. Practice inclusion, generosity, and cultivate a mindset of abundance (i.e. there is enough for everyone), rather than giving in to fear, greed, stinginess and scarcity. These positive practices are soothing to our systems and create constructive positive outcomes for communities. 

There's never been a better time to be an informed, active citizen.

Your role is important. Your action is important.

It is never too late to improve the world. 

The best antidote to stress and outrage is action, so go get em!

With love,
Lara xxx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

How to be mindful when you're online.

I've written before about aiming to go online for a purpose – for fun, to learn something, or to buy something etc. – and when that purpose has been achieved, to turn it off. 

But what about when you find yourself online for no particular reason?

This is where mindfulness comes in. Yep, I'm talking mindful internet use!

Before you roll your eyes and stop reading, here are some reasons you might like to consider it.

Being mindful online:

Will help you get more out of your time online...

Improve your concentration span, increase connection to content....

Clear away some the online habits you don't actually want...

AND help you to read and act on the signals that you've had enough!

With all those bonuses in mind, here are a few ways to be mindful when online:

• Ditch the automatic scroll. Look at every Facebook post, every Instagram photo, whatever. Take. Your. Time. Read the content. At this point you may realise that you don't like some of the pages or people whose content you see every day – unfollow them.
• Consciously notice five new things on the screen. This is my favourite mindfulness trick in general, that you can apply everywhere and to everything. It's easy and it works.
• If you start reading something, read the whole thing and take in every word. Try to remember three interesting or useful things about it that you could share with someone later.
• Respond to articles, photos or posts to contribute to communities and connect with others.
• Check in with your body – is your time online making you feel happy, productive, or reducing anxiety or frustration, are you avoiding boredom? Does your chest feel tense or relaxed?
• Check if you want to be online right now. If not, go to the above point and check in, then turn it off if you can and do something that makes you feel good. Aim for feeling happier at the end, not for the instant, easy solution.

The thing with mindfulness, is that you can realise that you're not feeling that great. Not the most fun thing to notice, but incredibly useful! Then you get to do something about it and there are so many options.

If you'd like an hand getting on top of your time online - grab this free guide! 

Ten Tips for Taming Internet Habits

Ten Tips for Taming Internet Habits

With love,
Lara  xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it.

This week I caught up with an old colleague from academia. She does great research but was growing bored of her topic and starting to think about what was next.

While we were chatting she went a little off topic and spoke about having recently remembered her passion for social justice through the great examples of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. 

I got chills.

I pointed out what she just said (the conversation had since moved swiftly along) and you could see a light go on in her whole body. Like it was flooded with electricity.

Her subconscious had just thrown out an amazing clue of where she wanted to go.

Once that spark ignited, her mind was racing and a whole new range of possibilities were fighting for air time in her brain.

It was exciting, to say the least (I have chills again remembering it)!

She is a natural change-maker, drawn to helping professions, yet it seemed she had started reaching for smaller changes than the ones she really wanted to go for. Not to detract from the wonderful things she has achieved - she's awesome - it's more about where she wants to go and what she wants to do.

Later in the conversation she admitted reluctantly that she'd always thought that she had something 'big' to do in the world. 

Have you also had that thought whisper through your mind? That you might be able to live with your heart on fire doing something 'big' in this world?

I bet you have. 

So what happened?

Well, I bet that your little 'helper', the one inside us all always scanning for danger, shuts it down toute suite.

As most of you reading are likely to have your basic needs well and truly met and hopefully are not in physical danger, this hyper-vigilant part of us focuses on potential social danger. 

Heaven knows, it doesn't want you to get on anyone's bad side by not doing exactly what you've been told growing up, or subtly by those around you now. How dare you have big plans or even worse, actually start making them happen! You might make someone feel bad or not be good enough!

That 'helper' panics when you get big ideas. It might be concerned that you're getting grandiose and too big for your boots. 

Rest assured, that deep knowing you have about being able to do something 'big' is not about being grandiose.

The ideas attached to a deep knowing tend to have a different quality about them that isn't all about the ego but about following a compelling yearning (i.e. it's not about getting a super yacht or becoming a billionaire).

They are usually about:

...changing your world in some way - like knowing you can heal from intergenerational trauma and not pass it onto your children, becoming totally you, all the time, no matter what.

...changing the whole world (why not!)- fighting for a particular group in need, getting into politics, contributing to a cause, bringing a new product or piece of art to the world, or starting a revolution!

...meeting another type of soul dream, like achieving a great challenge or meeting a big goal, like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro, mastering an instrument or speaking a language fluently.

So, what are your yearnings, no matter how 'far fetched' they may seem? 

Start dreaming and now notice how fast your brain is to dismiss them as ridiculous, too hard or to bring out the big guns... the shame tapes we ALL have in our minds*:

"Who do you think you are?"

and

"You're not good enough"

We ALL have these tapes. Are you going to take them for the Truth? Or will you choose to light your heart on fire anyway?

Go get em tigers!

Love,

Lara xx

*If you're interested in learning more about shame tapes read about the American social work scholar Dr Brene Brown - these tapes come from interviewing over 10,000 people about shame. It isn't just you ;) 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.

Hi everyone,

I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
 
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
 
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
 
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing. 
 
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
 
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
 
You are not someone broken to be fixed.

You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).

Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
 
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest. 

Who you really are and what you really want.
 
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be.  (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
 
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
 
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish. 

This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
 
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
 
So good!
 
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –

1. What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
2. What are your small, medium and large dreams?
3. Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
4. What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.

We had some great posts this week -

If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.

To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.

Have a great week!

Lara
xox

P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night.

Most people take 'me' time every night by spending time on their phone, iPad or computer.  

We all need relaxation time, but the fact is that spending time online generally doesn't leave us feeling peaceful, happy and energised. It's just something easy. 

I think many of us have forgotten how to wind down and create evenings that make us feel really good, instead of the groundhog day of work, eat, go online, sleep, go online, repeat (add parenting or hanging out with partners and friends occasionally).

I've developed a great way to create a rejuvenating and awesome night, every night, or whenever you wish...

It starts with giving your devices a bed time. 

Turn them all off and do it a good hour or more before you'd like to go to bed. 

Once they're switched off, you might feel a bit weird or lost.

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Here's four easy steps to creating a kick ass night for yourself!

FERC it!

1. Do something Fun.

What do you find fun? It can be as random or as commonplace as you like. At home, it might be watching your favourite show or reading a new novel. Drawing, dancing, going for a walk or painting your nails (this all applies to guys too!). Rearrange the room or redecorate (am I alone in loving this?!). Go for a run or do a group exercise class. Whatever floats your boat and leaves you feeling *HAPPY*. 

2. Do something that makes your life Easier tomorrow.

Do something that takes about 1-10 minutes but doesn't take over your night. Get your clothes ready, pack your lunch, do anything that will take a bit of pressure off. You'll be happy with yourself tomorrow.

3. Relax. 

Water is so relaxing. Take a bath or have a shower to wind down. Soak your feet in warm water.

Listen to whatever music matches your mood (okay, so this might require a device, just use it mindfully for music only - don't multitask with it).

If you live with someone, give each other a massage.

Do an activity that you find makes you chill out - this might also tick the Fun box :)

4. Connect with yourself and/or others. 

Take some time to be in your own company. Sit quietly, write whatever comes to mind or go for a walk. If you don't have much time to yourself normally, you might find that a lot of things come to mind that you need to do. Just jot them down and carry on. Bath time or a shower, as well as listening to music can also be a perfect way to connect with yourself.

Connecting with others! How many of us don't keep in touch with friends or family we dearly love? Give someone a call or Skype, write an email (try doing it in MS word so you don't end up drowning in emails) or even go old school and write a letter. Go out for a meal or a movie. Whatever!

Connect with who you live with. I must admit, for me these FERC activities mostly occur after my daughter is in bed, though sometimes they overlap. I'm more talking about housemates and partners here. Have a good chat. Do something together without also being on your phones. PUT THE PHONES AWAY. 

I don't think it's too crude to say that if you're on your phone, you're not creating the kind of intimacy that leads naturally to other kinds of connection... wink wink nudge nudge. So that activity will also tick the fun and relax box!

When you FERC your night, you might find that you are tired earlier than you would think, because you usually ignore it and stay online. This means you might go to bed earlier and get out of a cycle of fatigue. Totally life changing.

You might also find you sleep better, without the blue light mucking with your melatonin.

So there you go! FERC your night whenever possible and you'll find that you look forward to it. You'll have more fun ideas (what you pay attention to grows) and your relationships will get more TLC.

All of this promotes your mental wellbeing and brings energy and clarity into the rest of your life.

Yahoo!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five tricks to feeling great next time you're online

Today I'm talking about how you feel when you're surfing online, browsing social media or checking your work email...

clean or dirty?

We all know the potential of the internet and what it can do for us, but the fact is, it can also be a major time-waster and energy drainer. 

Are you using your time online to improve life or to check out of it?

Let's look at 'clean' and 'dirty' time online to help us understand how to live better online.

Clean time online is largely conscious. You're in your body and your brain. You're there for a reason and it's meaningful, whether it be for fun, to connect with others, to do a job (pay a bill, research, buy something) or to work. Once your task is complete, you are done.

Dirty time online is largely unconscious time. You ended up online because it's habit or you can't be bothered doing anything else. You are clicking, scrolling and browsing for no particular reason and getting next to nothing out of it. You finish up online and feel tired and blah. There goes another night. 

So think about your last session online and ask yourself these five questions:

1. Did you consciously choose to go online/connect to your email, or did your fingers do the walking before you could think twice?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

2. When you are online, are you just focused on that task? Being focused on more than one task means that you are online and doing other things e.g. watching tv, talking to someone, watching your kids, cooking dinner.

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

3. Are you online to get something done - have fun, connect, research, shop, work - or because you are wanting to escape an unwanted feeling like boredom, irritation or loneliness?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

4. After the task is done, do you go offline and get back to living your life?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

5. When you go offline, do you feel more energised and satisfied than you did before you started?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

If you're answering no to one or more of these questions, it's time to think about how you want to use the internet - to enhance or detract from your life.

To use the internet as a tool, rather than a stop-gap and compulsive habit aim for your time to be conscious, focused, purposeful, time-limited and energising.

To create some space to make wiser decisions about internet use and make the most of your life, get my free guide below.

Go gently, 
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Mindful eating: Ultimate toddler challenge edition

Here's a tale of when mindful eating meets sharing lunch with a toddler...

I recently attended a yoga retreat that had periods of compulsory silence and sessions of mindful eating. Even in this artificial (but lovely) environment of serenity, mindful eating was something that took a lot of concentration.

So what happened back home? Eh, it didn’t go as I hoped…

This is where the mindful eating toddler challenge appears.

I don’t think Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh included this challenge in his book ‘Savour’ on mindful eating!

So let me take you back to my last mindful eating attempt.

Yes, attempt.

I’m not claiming perfection here, I think mindfulness is like quitting smoking, you keep trying again and again until it gets easier and easier.

Yesterday’s lunch with my toddler took my efforts in mindful eating to ultimate fighter level.

After rejecting most of her lunch, my daughter insisted on sitting on my lap and trying to feed me my meal.

Parenting is a primary form of personal growth work, like it or not!

While she complained, rejected her food and tried to shove food in my mouth, the tally for the first few minutes was:

• Mindful eating attempts – 3
• Fun moments with my daughter – 1
• Irritation moments – 1…100.

This was going to be harder than I had anticipated (shouldn’t I know better by now?!).

My little darling then ramped up the ultimate challenge to pretending to call her friend during lunch about twenty times.

The kicker was that I was the only one to answer the ‘call’ and no outcome to the phone call was considered satisfactory! I tried to taste my meal and eat slowly, in between these ‘urgent’ calls. I got more and more frustrated.

The thought ran through my head “You’re stopping me from enjoying my lunch”.

It made me more annoyed, until I realised it wasn’t true.

My thoughts about her lunchtime antics were making me annoyed. She was simply playing and yes, to a certain extent, doing a toddler button pushing extravangza.

So then I though of Byron Katie’s inquiry:

Is this thought bringing me peace?

It certainly was not! It was making me more annoyed and creating tension in my body. How could I turn it around?

I am stopping myself from enjoying my lunch (with my reaction to her play).

I came back to my body – my breath, my bottom in the seat, the sounds and sights around me, the taste of the food.

A moment after that my mind cleared enough to remember the idea of living with intention.

What was my intention in this interaction?

Like all of us, no one intends to be irritable instead of playful with our children, we don’t intend to stress relationships instead of strengthening them. I’m a big believer in imperfection in parenting and in the importance of reconnection.

We will never be perfect parents (and we don’t need to be). Life will get to us, but we can repair relationships after the small and large tensions.

So…how did things end up at our family table?

Well I tasted a fair bit of my food, played a fair bit with my daughter and was present to my positive and less positive emotions. It was a great example of the struggle and incremental success of integrating the wisdom we are so blessed to be able to access in this day and age. It was imperfect but felt worthwhile.

Does any of this ring a bell in your household? What are your challenges and successes with parenting and mindfulness?

Go gently,

Lara xx

P.S. Life isn't easy, but it can be freakin' wonderful. Let me help you get out of your own way to shine! It's easier than you think (cognitive coaching is part of the deal). Drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach or www.setmefree.coach

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop!

You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…

For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.

This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.

Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.

For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection. 

It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?

The Upper Limit Problem.

Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’.  When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.

It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.

The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.

It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.

There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.  

They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.

1.     We are fundamentally flawed.

People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.

It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.

2.     We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.

This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.

This fear is built on family rules and guilt.

3.     More success, bigger burden.

This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.

A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.

4.     Outshining.

We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!

But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.

5.     Fear of pain and loss. 

I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships. 

Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.

Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:

·      Worrying;

·      Blame and criticism;

·      Getting sick;

·      Squabbling;

·      Hiding significant feelings;

·      Not keeping agreements; 

·      Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).

So what to do?

First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.

Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat.  Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.

Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.

Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear. 

Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!

To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.

So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!

If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach

Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!

I'd love to journey with you. 

Go gently,

Lara xox

P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes  and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.