What to do when others don't want you to change: Snap-back attack!

You know the feeling, you're inspired, you're making a plan, you're taking small or big steps to doing something you really want to and then... you hit resistance. This time it's not from yourself, but from those close to you.

What's the go?

Aren't your nearest (work colleagues, barista) and dearest (friends and family) meant to be supportive and excited?

Well, not necessarily.

Sometimes people want you to stay exactly. as. you. are.

Don't change jobs. Don't do the course. 

Don't stop bitching about others.

Don't go on that trip. Don't move cities.

Don't spend less time online.

Don't take that soul leap. Don't chase that dream.

Don't look after yourself/ get fit and healthy.

Don't [fill in the blank].

They don't want you to change because for some reason, it works for them for you to stay as you are now. Generally it's because you changing challenges some unconscious belief that they have about their own life, their own possibilities or what is 'allowed'. It doesn't leave them feeling good (hint: not your problem).

What comes after you share your excitement is lovingly referred to as a 'snap-back attack'. As in, an attack to get you to go back to your previous thinking or actions.

Snap back attacks look like:

• Snide remarks
• Catastrophising (What if x, y and z happens?!!! Ahhh!)
• Silent treatment
• Anger
• Guilt trips
• Anything I've missed?

The thing with snap-back attacks is that they come in the form that is the most effective to getting you to change. People closest to you know what presses your buttons and press them. Hard.

So what do you do when you're changing or embarking on a change?

Well a simple idea I heard from the fabulous Michael Trotta is to share with people as you're changing, let them know what the change is and what it means to you.

That works for people that support you.

For those that are resistant to you changing it pays to be ready, lest you be de-railed.

1. Go through the list above and see which things really press your buttons. Does the silent treatment work best? Anger? Put downs? What usually
2. Recognise that none of these responses are about you, nor do they mean your change is not awesome. It's all about them.
3. Share limited information about your change and only when you are ready to or need to. There is often a strangely strong desire to tell the people that will be the most likely to inflict a snap-back attack about our changes. RESIST! You are probably trying to seek their approval (you don't need it).
4. Share with people that are super supportive. If you don't have people like that, join a MeetUp or make one! Gather your new tribe - research shows it's more likely your change will be successful.
5. When you are ready to share your change with those who may not initially (or ever) be supportive, BE PRESENT in your conversation. Notice the snap-back attacks and try to take them lightly. If they really press your buttons, that's okay, just notice, look after yourself and press on with your change. Next time, you'll laugh at their attempts. If there is something useful amongst the crap, take that bit and drop the rest.

Aint nothin' gonna break my stride... many people will come around after a while. If they don't, they might need to find another fire to put out.

Go get em tiger!

With love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

How to be mindful when you're online.

I've written before about aiming to go online for a purpose – for fun, to learn something, or to buy something etc. – and when that purpose has been achieved, to turn it off. 

But what about when you find yourself online for no particular reason?

This is where mindfulness comes in. Yep, I'm talking mindful internet use!

Before you roll your eyes and stop reading, here are some reasons you might like to consider it.

Being mindful online:

Will help you get more out of your time online...

Improve your concentration span, increase connection to content....

Clear away some the online habits you don't actually want...

AND help you to read and act on the signals that you've had enough!

With all those bonuses in mind, here are a few ways to be mindful when online:

• Ditch the automatic scroll. Look at every Facebook post, every Instagram photo, whatever. Take. Your. Time. Read the content. At this point you may realise that you don't like some of the pages or people whose content you see every day – unfollow them.
• Consciously notice five new things on the screen. This is my favourite mindfulness trick in general, that you can apply everywhere and to everything. It's easy and it works.
• If you start reading something, read the whole thing and take in every word. Try to remember three interesting or useful things about it that you could share with someone later.
• Respond to articles, photos or posts to contribute to communities and connect with others.
• Check in with your body – is your time online making you feel happy, productive, or reducing anxiety or frustration, are you avoiding boredom? Does your chest feel tense or relaxed?
• Check if you want to be online right now. If not, go to the above point and check in, then turn it off if you can and do something that makes you feel good. Aim for feeling happier at the end, not for the instant, easy solution.

The thing with mindfulness, is that you can realise that you're not feeling that great. Not the most fun thing to notice, but incredibly useful! Then you get to do something about it and there are so many options.

If you'd like an hand getting on top of your time online - grab this free guide! 

Ten Tips for Taming Internet Habits

Ten Tips for Taming Internet Habits

With love,
Lara  xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Joy signpost #2: What can't you shut up about?!

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this post from my hotel room in Amsterdam (happy dance) and today I want to talk about another way to identify your passions, joys – to what will make life that much sweeter, shinier and sparklier = awesome.

During the conference, I've met so many new people and gotten to know others better. 

The striking thing for me has been watching people come to life during conversations when they hit on their passions.

I love that point where someone's whole body language changes, their eyes sparkle, a grin flashes across their faces and their energy soars.

Everyone around them lifts. 

Although the conference delegates were there to talk about wellbeing at work, the conversations drifted towards other things fairly quickly. To what they REALLY loved talking about. To what you couldn't shut them up about (and I had no desire to!). 

Some of the hot topics were: travel, adventure, language, love, renovation shows, motorbike riding and super bike training, and all things woo woo.

Yes, this is all happening at an academic conference!

The moral of the story is: People cannot help but talk about things they love sooner or later.

So, what can't you shut up about?

Take a minute to go through your mind and find the last thing you really buzzed about and felt that energy to keep talking. Not in an anxious way, but in a radiant, warm glow kind of way. 

Follow the trail of breadcrumbs to joy!

What were you discussing? You might have held the floor while you waxed lyrical. You might have kept bringing the conversation back to the subject or felt deflated or annoyed that you didn't get to keep talking if you got cut off ;)

Like noticing what you love to check out online, noticing what you can't shut up about is a joy signpost, people! 

It's another way to identify what you get really excited about, what you could move towards to make life sweeter, more fulfilling and joyful. Woo!

You have this great signpost, so what are you going to do about it?

Are you making a plan to bring more of that joy into your life, or has your brain already kicked in with all the reasons you can't or shouldn't?

If this is the case, ask yourself why...

Is your passion not valued in society or perhaps considered frivolous or [insert derogatory word]?

Does it seem too hard to bring it into your life? 

Is it a shame tape playing? 'Who do you think you are?' or 'You're not good enough'?

Are you rejecting your passions because they don't fit with who you think you should be? 

Or is it simply that you can't be bothered, that you don't value or prioritise your own joy and happiness? (More thoughts to explore)

To bring your passions out into the open and to let joy run wild in your life, there are ultimately four steps (in no particular order). 

1. Accept yourself

2. Prioritise happiness

3. Problem-solve

4. Calm fear

It's as simple and as complicated as that, but trust me, you've got this! 

What's holding you back from living a life you glow about?

Talk about it with a friend or a coach (oh what? I'm a coach! No way, so handy*). 

Have a good one!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time.

With new research coming out this week saying that mums spending time online were more anxious than those that didn't, it got me thinking about how I used the internet when I was a new(ish) mum.

More importantly, it got me thinking what I'd do differently.

This is great advice for parents (mums and dads) and parents to be.

I was not one of those people that breezed into parenting and found it simple to be at home with a baby, although really, who is that person?

The first sign that being at home with a baby might be hard for me was maternity leave – the first week I was practically hanging from the ceilings! 

For someone who relished feeling ‘productive’in the way our culture defines productive, it was hard to feel soooo ‘unproductive’ as a new parent.

It was such an adjustment to run by my baby’s body clock (‘nature time’) rather than the industrial clock our world now abides by.

It was so frustrating to get one thing done a day, if I was lucky. To not know what the next day or week would hold. SO MANY FREAKIN’ WONDER WEEKS!

I was tired and lonely. I missed being with my colleagues and socialising with friends that were now on different time schedules.

So I went online. A lot.

Being on the phone made me feel like I was doing SOMETHING all those hours when I was feeding and I was online every time I breastfed her.

Seeing the online world made me feel more like I was out in that world and a part of it, like I was socialising enough for me.

On the big plus side, being online exposed me to some cracking parenting blogs (I can highly recommend Janet Lansbury) and meant I could share the highs, lows and puzzles of early parenting through my Baby Centre birth month forum. The Raising Children’s Network gave me access to evidence-based information to relieve anxiety in decision-making. I shared photos and videos with people I loved around the world.

These are all the beautiful parts of being online, the parts that make life that much better and easier.

The thing was though, that I wasn’t just online for reasons of fun, interest or purpose.

I was online because it was easy, because it was habit and because I could numb out all the frustration, loneliness and boredom of early parenting through that handy escape.

This is fine for every now and then, but when ongoing it starts to interrupt the critical self-care and makes life that much harder.

Instead of problem solving and fixing or adapting to what we are struggling with in our lives, we just keep checking-out online.

In particular, always reaching for the phone when I wasn’t interacting with my baby* meant that I slept less and found it harder to get to sleep.

We all know how well we go with crappy sleep. Everything becomes really hard.

Being online a lot also meant I wasn’t proactive about easing my isolation and really wasn’t in touch with how difficult I was finding things. This meant I spent a lot of time without the support I needed, and could have found, had I reached out.

Lastly, it meant that my life wasn’t where it could have been in terms of getting the day to day stuff done which makes it run more smoothly.

So for me ­– and I’m not saying we’re all like this – being online a lot made me more tired and stressed, more out of touch with my needs and less inclined to make my life the way I wanted and needed it to be.

So what would I do differently next time, should I be so lucky? (There are a million things, but here are a few relevant snippets)

·      Go online when it was the most loving choice for me – for actual fun, connection or for a purpose, not to escape or numb.

·      Seek out as much connection and support as I need, in whatever form I can, whenever I can. Shamelessly!

·      I would turn off the phone and have good quality rest or sleep whenever an opportunity arose.

·      If I’m having a problem with something, I’d write about it, talk about it and try to work it out, rather than assuming that now I’ve got a baby I just have to put up with everything. We really do have a lot of choice, even with the new constraints.

·      I’d be more careful with my thinking and language (crazy sleepless brain willing). I hope I’d look more at what is happening e.g. I’m tired and the baby is crying, and jump less to my old dramatic thoughts that make me feel AWFUL, like  ‘this is a nightmare’ ‘I can’t cope’ and ‘this is too hard’.

Above all, I would endeavour to choose things that create joy in my life and leave me feeling better than when I started, wherever possible. 

Choosing things that are easy but leave you feeling crappy, is a recipe for blahhhh.

So those are my reflections, I hope that they validate your experiences and/or help out people living this now and in the future. For those of you that didn’t experience any of this, you can just feel really smug ;)

If you’re feeling blah for more than a week, do tell your maternal and child health nurse and your GP, look up Beyondblue , COPE and call PANDA. Funding has been cut but there is still a lot of support around. 

Lots of love to all

Lara

xxx

* Don't worry y'all, I spent LOADS of quality interaction time with my wee gal, I just grabbed the phone any time she was asleep, in the pram, not looking... She actually didn't get any screen time except through Skype until after two. So yeah, I was all about the ol' double standard!!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Everything is great except... what behaviour(s) are you holding onto and why?

Most of us have something in our lives which we are not 100% happy with that has been hanging around for quite a while.

We say we don't like it, we complain about it and yet it seems to be mighty comfortable in our lives!

Does any of this ring a bell?

Everything is fine except...

that I spend more money than I have every month

that I don't like my job and haven't for months or years

that I don't see my friends much

that I don't get around to exercising

that I still have this weight I want to lose

that I lose so much time to being online

and so on...

The conversation that has been taking place internally or between you and your compadres may have been going on a long time. 

So pray tell, why is it still happening?

The answer: It's working for you.

You don't have to like it for it to be doing a job for you.

So it's time to ask, what's it's purpose. Get honest.

Does that behaviour...

Get you out of trying and potentially failing?

Protect your image and identity?

Stop you from grieving what you need to?

Stop you from facing what you don't like in your life?

Keep you playing smaller than you would?

Protect you from the negative judgement of others?

Make you feel safe (a big one with women and unwanted weight)?

Protect you from reliving past heartbreak? e.g. commitment phobe after a big heart break

The bottom line is that these self-sabotage behaviours are often, but not always, about avoiding vulnerability. They are really self-protection behaviours that aren't so helpful. 

The challenge is to dig deep and work out why you're really hanging onto that unwanted behaviour and then what you might do about it. 

Talk with a trusted friend, coach or counsellor and get some clarity around the behaviour, then, if you wish, find a new way of protecting yourself, one that lets you grow and thrive.

With love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it.

This week I caught up with an old colleague from academia. She does great research but was growing bored of her topic and starting to think about what was next.

While we were chatting she went a little off topic and spoke about having recently remembered her passion for social justice through the great examples of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. 

I got chills.

I pointed out what she just said (the conversation had since moved swiftly along) and you could see a light go on in her whole body. Like it was flooded with electricity.

Her subconscious had just thrown out an amazing clue of where she wanted to go.

Once that spark ignited, her mind was racing and a whole new range of possibilities were fighting for air time in her brain.

It was exciting, to say the least (I have chills again remembering it)!

She is a natural change-maker, drawn to helping professions, yet it seemed she had started reaching for smaller changes than the ones she really wanted to go for. Not to detract from the wonderful things she has achieved - she's awesome - it's more about where she wants to go and what she wants to do.

Later in the conversation she admitted reluctantly that she'd always thought that she had something 'big' to do in the world. 

Have you also had that thought whisper through your mind? That you might be able to live with your heart on fire doing something 'big' in this world?

I bet you have. 

So what happened?

Well, I bet that your little 'helper', the one inside us all always scanning for danger, shuts it down toute suite.

As most of you reading are likely to have your basic needs well and truly met and hopefully are not in physical danger, this hyper-vigilant part of us focuses on potential social danger. 

Heaven knows, it doesn't want you to get on anyone's bad side by not doing exactly what you've been told growing up, or subtly by those around you now. How dare you have big plans or even worse, actually start making them happen! You might make someone feel bad or not be good enough!

That 'helper' panics when you get big ideas. It might be concerned that you're getting grandiose and too big for your boots. 

Rest assured, that deep knowing you have about being able to do something 'big' is not about being grandiose.

The ideas attached to a deep knowing tend to have a different quality about them that isn't all about the ego but about following a compelling yearning (i.e. it's not about getting a super yacht or becoming a billionaire).

They are usually about:

...changing your world in some way - like knowing you can heal from intergenerational trauma and not pass it onto your children, becoming totally you, all the time, no matter what.

...changing the whole world (why not!)- fighting for a particular group in need, getting into politics, contributing to a cause, bringing a new product or piece of art to the world, or starting a revolution!

...meeting another type of soul dream, like achieving a great challenge or meeting a big goal, like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro, mastering an instrument or speaking a language fluently.

So, what are your yearnings, no matter how 'far fetched' they may seem? 

Start dreaming and now notice how fast your brain is to dismiss them as ridiculous, too hard or to bring out the big guns... the shame tapes we ALL have in our minds*:

"Who do you think you are?"

and

"You're not good enough"

We ALL have these tapes. Are you going to take them for the Truth? Or will you choose to light your heart on fire anyway?

Go get em tigers!

Love,

Lara xx

*If you're interested in learning more about shame tapes read about the American social work scholar Dr Brene Brown - these tapes come from interviewing over 10,000 people about shame. It isn't just you ;) 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

How time online could make you happier

Today I'm talking about how to find your joy online.

Even though I coach people who'd like to create healthy boundaries with their internet use (i.e. have a kick ass life off their phones), I actually love the internet.

I guess you do to.

It helps connect people, informs us, entertains us and helps us fight for a better world through protesting injustices or fundraising good causes. 

So how does being online help you find your joy?

Well, it's simple really. 

Have a think about what you look at most online.

Now think about what you get lost in (in a good 'clean' way).

For me, I could watch motivational speeches, read about coaching and helping people, psychology and spiritual matters until the cows come home. It makes me really *happy*. It's no surprise to me that coaching and having an active spiritual life is my sweet spot.

What is it for you?

Do you pore over design blogs and pictures of beautiful rooms? It might be time to redo your space and maybe even offer to help people you know do the same! Hell, you might want to become an interior designer!

Do you LOVE anything sport related? Arrange a football game with friends, go to a match or take the kids out to kick a ball. Sign up for tennis lessons. Meet at the pub to watch a game with others.

Is it that you spend your time connecting with people online? Are you hanging out for people's return messages or to write back to a comment? You might start to actively bring more social sparks into your every day life.

Do you keep looking at travel blogs? Plan a trip! Even if it's camping a few kms away.

Oh and if you get jealous looking at something or someone, ask yourself, what is happening that I want? It's just a sign for you to use for good in your own life.

You get the drift! Bring your online joy into your real life and watch the happies fly out of you!

Wahoo!

Love,
Lara

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.

Hi everyone,

I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
 
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
 
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
 
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing. 
 
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
 
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
 
You are not someone broken to be fixed.

You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).

Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
 
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest. 

Who you really are and what you really want.
 
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be.  (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
 
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
 
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish. 

This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
 
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
 
So good!
 
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –

1. What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
2. What are your small, medium and large dreams?
3. Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
4. What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.

We had some great posts this week -

If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.

To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.

Have a great week!

Lara
xox

P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night.

Most people take 'me' time every night by spending time on their phone, iPad or computer.  

We all need relaxation time, but the fact is that spending time online generally doesn't leave us feeling peaceful, happy and energised. It's just something easy. 

I think many of us have forgotten how to wind down and create evenings that make us feel really good, instead of the groundhog day of work, eat, go online, sleep, go online, repeat (add parenting or hanging out with partners and friends occasionally).

I've developed a great way to create a rejuvenating and awesome night, every night, or whenever you wish...

It starts with giving your devices a bed time. 

Turn them all off and do it a good hour or more before you'd like to go to bed. 

Once they're switched off, you might feel a bit weird or lost.

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Here's four easy steps to creating a kick ass night for yourself!

FERC it!

1. Do something Fun.

What do you find fun? It can be as random or as commonplace as you like. At home, it might be watching your favourite show or reading a new novel. Drawing, dancing, going for a walk or painting your nails (this all applies to guys too!). Rearrange the room or redecorate (am I alone in loving this?!). Go for a run or do a group exercise class. Whatever floats your boat and leaves you feeling *HAPPY*. 

2. Do something that makes your life Easier tomorrow.

Do something that takes about 1-10 minutes but doesn't take over your night. Get your clothes ready, pack your lunch, do anything that will take a bit of pressure off. You'll be happy with yourself tomorrow.

3. Relax. 

Water is so relaxing. Take a bath or have a shower to wind down. Soak your feet in warm water.

Listen to whatever music matches your mood (okay, so this might require a device, just use it mindfully for music only - don't multitask with it).

If you live with someone, give each other a massage.

Do an activity that you find makes you chill out - this might also tick the Fun box :)

4. Connect with yourself and/or others. 

Take some time to be in your own company. Sit quietly, write whatever comes to mind or go for a walk. If you don't have much time to yourself normally, you might find that a lot of things come to mind that you need to do. Just jot them down and carry on. Bath time or a shower, as well as listening to music can also be a perfect way to connect with yourself.

Connecting with others! How many of us don't keep in touch with friends or family we dearly love? Give someone a call or Skype, write an email (try doing it in MS word so you don't end up drowning in emails) or even go old school and write a letter. Go out for a meal or a movie. Whatever!

Connect with who you live with. I must admit, for me these FERC activities mostly occur after my daughter is in bed, though sometimes they overlap. I'm more talking about housemates and partners here. Have a good chat. Do something together without also being on your phones. PUT THE PHONES AWAY. 

I don't think it's too crude to say that if you're on your phone, you're not creating the kind of intimacy that leads naturally to other kinds of connection... wink wink nudge nudge. So that activity will also tick the fun and relax box!

When you FERC your night, you might find that you are tired earlier than you would think, because you usually ignore it and stay online. This means you might go to bed earlier and get out of a cycle of fatigue. Totally life changing.

You might also find you sleep better, without the blue light mucking with your melatonin.

So there you go! FERC your night whenever possible and you'll find that you look forward to it. You'll have more fun ideas (what you pay attention to grows) and your relationships will get more TLC.

All of this promotes your mental wellbeing and brings energy and clarity into the rest of your life.

Yahoo!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear

So often in life when we are upset we turn to other people and things to deal with it and get us through.  

Getting support from others is a wonderful thing but they cannot always be there when we need them or find the words we need to really soothe us. 

Late in my pregnancy, I was given some brilliant advice that goes some way to solving this problem:

When the baby cries a lot and you are so weary, when it all feels hard  - talk to your baby. Tell them what you need to hear in a soothing voice (even through the screams).  

"Everything will be fine, not long now, sleep will come easily, you are doing so well, all is well". 

Human bodies are designed to relax when they hear soothing voices.

The words you say to soothe your child are also words to soothe you.

Now my daughter is much older, but this still rings true for me.

When I tell her what we need to hear, it feels like the words are coming from the wisest part of me or from some broader loving universal embrace.

It feels like a warm bath washing over me.

I'm sharing this because you can use this trick anytime YOUR heart or spirit needs soothing.

Whisper to yourself or simply think of exactly what you need to hear.

For me it might be things like 'I know this is hard/frustrating, but you're doing so well and you'll be done soon'.

It's something we all desperately need - to be our own safe haven and greatest ally. When we aren't there for ourselves, things like our phones, food, work or being crazy busy come in to smother or numb the experience.

The simple truth is that we are always there, whereas others are not, and do not and really cannot know exactly what we need to hear to be soothed in our time of stress or sadness.

Only we know exactly what will hit the spot for us and press that healing, soothing button.

It might sound funny, but this can also be applied to good things. Sometimes people may not get why something is so exciting or such a big deal for you - but you do and can have your own celebration. (Incidentally, this also hits the reward centre for your brain, so you get a dopamine hit when you praise yourself - it feels good). 

Lastly, when you know the words you need to hear, then you can help those close to you by telling them what soothes you. I've done this with my husband and it is really great for you both. Expecting people to be telepathic is not the recipe for a happy relationship!

So, try it out for yourself! Next time you are needing some support and loving words, soothe yourself with the words only you know and can share. 

With love,

Lara x

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.