THE FREEDOM FILES
A blog by Dr Lara Corr
Everything is great except... what behaviour(s) are you holding onto and why?
argh, we all have SOMETHING that we wish we didn't do or would like to do differently. We've tried to and want to change but nothing has worked. What's your thing and why are you really doing it? Read on.
Most of us have something in our lives which we are not 100% happy with that has been hanging around for quite a while.
We say we don't like it, we complain about it and yet it seems to be mighty comfortable in our lives!
Does any of this ring a bell?
Everything is fine except...
that I spend more money than I have every month
that I don't like my job and haven't for months or years
that I don't see my friends much
that I don't get around to exercising
that I still have this weight I want to lose
that I lose so much time to being online
and so on...
The conversation that has been taking place internally or between you and your compadres may have been going on a long time.
So pray tell, why is it still happening?
The answer: It's working for you.
You don't have to like it for it to be doing a job for you.
So it's time to ask, what's it's purpose. Get honest.
Does that behaviour...
Get you out of trying and potentially failing?
Protect your image and identity?
Stop you from grieving what you need to?
Stop you from facing what you don't like in your life?
Keep you playing smaller than you would?
Protect you from the negative judgement of others?
Make you feel safe (a big one with women and unwanted weight)?
Protect you from reliving past heartbreak? e.g. commitment phobe after a big heart break
The bottom line is that these self-sabotage behaviours are often, but not always, about avoiding vulnerability. They are really self-protection behaviours that aren't so helpful.
The challenge is to dig deep and work out why you're really hanging onto that unwanted behaviour and then what you might do about it.
Talk with a trusted friend, coach or counsellor and get some clarity around the behaviour, then, if you wish, find a new way of protecting yourself, one that lets you grow and thrive.
With love,
Lara xx
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it.
We get that flush of excitement when we think of something that sets our hearts on fire ... but then rarely act on it. What happens? How can we change our futures to match our yearnings?
This week I caught up with an old colleague from academia. She does great research but was growing bored of her topic and starting to think about what was next.
While we were chatting she went a little off topic and spoke about having recently remembered her passion for social justice through the great examples of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X.
I got chills.
I pointed out what she just said (the conversation had since moved swiftly along) and you could see a light go on in her whole body. Like it was flooded with electricity.
Her subconscious had just thrown out an amazing clue of where she wanted to go.
Once that spark ignited, her mind was racing and a whole new range of possibilities were fighting for air time in her brain.
It was exciting, to say the least (I have chills again remembering it)!
She is a natural change-maker, drawn to helping professions, yet it seemed she had started reaching for smaller changes than the ones she really wanted to go for. Not to detract from the wonderful things she has achieved - she's awesome - it's more about where she wants to go and what she wants to do.
Later in the conversation she admitted reluctantly that she'd always thought that she had something 'big' to do in the world.
Have you also had that thought whisper through your mind? That you might be able to live with your heart on fire doing something 'big' in this world?
I bet you have.
So what happened?
Well, I bet that your little 'helper', the one inside us all always scanning for danger, shuts it down toute suite.
As most of you reading are likely to have your basic needs well and truly met and hopefully are not in physical danger, this hyper-vigilant part of us focuses on potential social danger.
Heaven knows, it doesn't want you to get on anyone's bad side by not doing exactly what you've been told growing up, or subtly by those around you now. How dare you have big plans or even worse, actually start making them happen! You might make someone feel bad or not be good enough!
That 'helper' panics when you get big ideas. It might be concerned that you're getting grandiose and too big for your boots.
Rest assured, that deep knowing you have about being able to do something 'big' is not about being grandiose.
The ideas attached to a deep knowing tend to have a different quality about them that isn't all about the ego but about following a compelling yearning (i.e. it's not about getting a super yacht or becoming a billionaire).
They are usually about:
...changing your world in some way - like knowing you can heal from intergenerational trauma and not pass it onto your children, becoming totally you, all the time, no matter what.
...changing the whole world (why not!)- fighting for a particular group in need, getting into politics, contributing to a cause, bringing a new product or piece of art to the world, or starting a revolution!
...meeting another type of soul dream, like achieving a great challenge or meeting a big goal, like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro, mastering an instrument or speaking a language fluently.
So, what are your yearnings, no matter how 'far fetched' they may seem?
Start dreaming and now notice how fast your brain is to dismiss them as ridiculous, too hard or to bring out the big guns... the shame tapes we ALL have in our minds*:
"Who do you think you are?"
and
"You're not good enough"
We ALL have these tapes. Are you going to take them for the Truth? Or will you choose to light your heart on fire anyway?
Go get em tigers!
Love,
Lara xx
*If you're interested in learning more about shame tapes read about the American social work scholar Dr Brene Brown - these tapes come from interviewing over 10,000 people about shame. It isn't just you ;)
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
How time online could make you happier
What you're looking at online is a clear signal of what you want in real life. So what does your online behaviour say about what you really crave for greater happiness?
Today I'm talking about how to find your joy online.
Even though I coach people who'd like to create healthy boundaries with their internet use (i.e. have a kick ass life off their phones), I actually love the internet.
I guess you do to.
It helps connect people, informs us, entertains us and helps us fight for a better world through protesting injustices or fundraising good causes.
So how does being online help you find your joy?
Well, it's simple really.
Have a think about what you look at most online.
Now think about what you get lost in (in a good 'clean' way).
For me, I could watch motivational speeches, read about coaching and helping people, psychology and spiritual matters until the cows come home. It makes me really *happy*. It's no surprise to me that coaching and having an active spiritual life is my sweet spot.
What is it for you?
Do you pore over design blogs and pictures of beautiful rooms? It might be time to redo your space and maybe even offer to help people you know do the same! Hell, you might want to become an interior designer!
Do you LOVE anything sport related? Arrange a football game with friends, go to a match or take the kids out to kick a ball. Sign up for tennis lessons. Meet at the pub to watch a game with others.
Is it that you spend your time connecting with people online? Are you hanging out for people's return messages or to write back to a comment? You might start to actively bring more social sparks into your every day life.
Do you keep looking at travel blogs? Plan a trip! Even if it's camping a few kms away.
Oh and if you get jealous looking at something or someone, ask yourself, what is happening that I want? It's just a sign for you to use for good in your own life.
You get the drift! Bring your online joy into your real life and watch the happies fly out of you!
Wahoo!
Love,
Lara
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.
I used to think that if I read enough tips and self-help that I could fix myself and become the perfect version of me that was immune to life's challenges and the negative judgements of others. Now I really like myself (self-esteem - scandalous!), am not so fussed about set backs or others' judgements and enjoy tinkering with my life from a place of fun exploration. Some difference... read how.
Hi everyone,
I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing.
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
You are not someone broken to be fixed.
You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).
Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest.
Who you really are and what you really want.
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be. (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish.
This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
So good!
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –
- What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
- What are your small, medium and large dreams?
- Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
- What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.
We had some great posts this week -
If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.
To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.
Have a great week!
Lara
xox
P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us!
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night.
Do you rely on your phone, iPad or computer to relax at night? Then know this, there is a much better way to spend your evening that will have you feeling like a million dollars! Read on...
Most people take 'me' time every night by spending time on their phone, iPad or computer.
We all need relaxation time, but the fact is that spending time online generally doesn't leave us feeling peaceful, happy and energised. It's just something easy.
I think many of us have forgotten how to wind down and create evenings that make us feel really good, instead of the groundhog day of work, eat, go online, sleep, go online, repeat (add parenting or hanging out with partners and friends occasionally).
I've developed a great way to create a rejuvenating and awesome night, every night, or whenever you wish...
It starts with giving your devices a bed time.
Turn them all off and do it a good hour or more before you'd like to go to bed.
Once they're switched off, you might feel a bit weird or lost.
Don't worry, I've got you covered.
Here's four easy steps to creating a kick ass night for yourself!
FERC it!
1. Do something Fun.
What do you find fun? It can be as random or as commonplace as you like. At home, it might be watching your favourite show or reading a new novel. Drawing, dancing, going for a walk or painting your nails (this all applies to guys too!). Rearrange the room or redecorate (am I alone in loving this?!). Go for a run or do a group exercise class. Whatever floats your boat and leaves you feeling *HAPPY*.
2. Do something that makes your life Easier tomorrow.
Do something that takes about 1-10 minutes but doesn't take over your night. Get your clothes ready, pack your lunch, do anything that will take a bit of pressure off. You'll be happy with yourself tomorrow.
3. Relax.
Water is so relaxing. Take a bath or have a shower to wind down. Soak your feet in warm water.
Listen to whatever music matches your mood (okay, so this might require a device, just use it mindfully for music only - don't multitask with it).
If you live with someone, give each other a massage.
Do an activity that you find makes you chill out - this might also tick the Fun box :)
4. Connect with yourself and/or others.
Take some time to be in your own company. Sit quietly, write whatever comes to mind or go for a walk. If you don't have much time to yourself normally, you might find that a lot of things come to mind that you need to do. Just jot them down and carry on. Bath time or a shower, as well as listening to music can also be a perfect way to connect with yourself.
Connecting with others! How many of us don't keep in touch with friends or family we dearly love? Give someone a call or Skype, write an email (try doing it in MS word so you don't end up drowning in emails) or even go old school and write a letter. Go out for a meal or a movie. Whatever!
Connect with who you live with. I must admit, for me these FERC activities mostly occur after my daughter is in bed, though sometimes they overlap. I'm more talking about housemates and partners here. Have a good chat. Do something together without also being on your phones. PUT THE PHONES AWAY.
I don't think it's too crude to say that if you're on your phone, you're not creating the kind of intimacy that leads naturally to other kinds of connection... wink wink nudge nudge. So that activity will also tick the fun and relax box!
When you FERC your night, you might find that you are tired earlier than you would think, because you usually ignore it and stay online. This means you might go to bed earlier and get out of a cycle of fatigue. Totally life changing.
You might also find you sleep better, without the blue light mucking with your melatonin.
So there you go! FERC your night whenever possible and you'll find that you look forward to it. You'll have more fun ideas (what you pay attention to grows) and your relationships will get more TLC.
All of this promotes your mental wellbeing and brings energy and clarity into the rest of your life.
Yahoo!
Lara xx
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear
When sh*t hits the fan, we all need support. Hearing the right words can make all the difference but what happens when there's no one around to support us or they don't know what to say to make us feel better?
So often in life when we are upset we turn to other people and things to deal with it and get us through.
Getting support from others is a wonderful thing but they cannot always be there when we need them or find the words we need to really soothe us.
Late in my pregnancy, I was given some brilliant advice that goes some way to solving this problem:
When the baby cries a lot and you are so weary, when it all feels hard - talk to your baby. Tell them what you need to hear in a soothing voice (even through the screams).
"Everything will be fine, not long now, sleep will come easily, you are doing so well, all is well".
Human bodies are designed to relax when they hear soothing voices.
The words you say to soothe your child are also words to soothe you.
Now my daughter is much older, but this still rings true for me.
When I tell her what we need to hear, it feels like the words are coming from the wisest part of me or from some broader loving universal embrace.
It feels like a warm bath washing over me.
I'm sharing this because you can use this trick anytime YOUR heart or spirit needs soothing.
Whisper to yourself or simply think of exactly what you need to hear.
For me it might be things like 'I know this is hard/frustrating, but you're doing so well and you'll be done soon'.
It's something we all desperately need - to be our own safe haven and greatest ally. When we aren't there for ourselves, things like our phones, food, work or being crazy busy come in to smother or numb the experience.
The simple truth is that we are always there, whereas others are not, and do not and really cannot know exactly what we need to hear to be soothed in our time of stress or sadness.
Only we know exactly what will hit the spot for us and press that healing, soothing button.
It might sound funny, but this can also be applied to good things. Sometimes people may not get why something is so exciting or such a big deal for you - but you do and can have your own celebration. (Incidentally, this also hits the reward centre for your brain, so you get a dopamine hit when you praise yourself - it feels good).
Lastly, when you know the words you need to hear, then you can help those close to you by telling them what soothes you. I've done this with my husband and it is really great for you both. Expecting people to be telepathic is not the recipe for a happy relationship!
So, try it out for yourself! Next time you are needing some support and loving words, soothe yourself with the words only you know and can share.
With love,
Lara x
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
#truthbomb - Your morning routine sucks - what to do instead of being on your phone
Instead of waking up tomorrow and checking your phone first thing, how about making up a new routine that sets you up for a brilliant day?!
You're not alone if checking your phone is the first thing you do every day. In fact 3 of 4 smartphone users are on their phones as soon as they wake up.
This is 'normal' for most of us but lets just let this sink in for a minute. You go straight from sleep to scrolling every single morning.
You're on your phone before you know:
- how you feel
- what you want from your day
- what you have on, or
- to acknowledge (heaven forbid connect with!) who you're sleeping next to.
Um.. those things are kind of important...
If you go straight to work emails, you're at work from waking. That's a lot of unpaid overtime.
If you go straight to the news, your body's hormones will bounce around according to what you're reading.
You're not in your life or your body. You're greater needs aren't being met. You're numb at one level and getting your dopamine hits at another but not living into your own body, surrounds or life.
Anyone who wants to approach their day from a place of calm and clearheadedness (particularly parents, managers and well, everyone) will see their life transform with a good start to the morning.
Let's talk morning routines!
What could yours look like?
1. Some kind of quiet - you don't have to meditate, you could just do a 'body scan' to see how you're feeling, check in with yourself emotionally and take some deep breaths.
2. Some kind of movement - dance, stretch, do five minutes of yoga or pilates, wiggle around. Whatever and where ever the spirit moves you.
3. Some kind of nuturing to yourself. Do you love a cup of tea or coffee? Put it in your favourite mug and drink it without distraction. Taste it. Dress yourself with care, not like some angry and swift attendent who wants their shift to end. Make a breakfast you will enjoy, not just what is easiest.
4. Set an intention of how you want to interact with people in your life. Happily? With patience? With love? With strength? Whatever, it will make a difference.
Give yourself a minute to daydream about how your perfect morning would be and then live it, just for tomorrow. See how you feel and adjust accordingly.
Without your phone, you'll be more creative, aware and centred. The world will adjust accordingly, just you wait.
* Now I know that it's hard working around kids in the morning, particularly when they wake early or their sleeping patterns are all over the place. Just try to do whichever steps are possible for you each morning. Some will work out better than others, but the intention will be there and be a benefit regardless.
Go gently,
Lara xx
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Five ways to find your passions, chase joy (and easily get out of your rut)
Okay people, time to get out of those ruts and get into a happier groove. Don't know where to start? It's simple!
There's being in a rut and being in a groove and heaven knows we all feel the difference just reading that sentence.
Grooves feel good. Ruts do not.
But sometimes getting out of a rut feels like an impossibility and we are there, wading through molasses, truly wanting out but not seeing any way forward.
Being online, attached to your work emails or gaming most nights is a great example of being stuck in a rut. You might get a buzz every now and then with something interesting or amusing happens* but often you don't even want to be doing it.
It's just habit you've out grown - A RUT!
You're still on there because it's serving you to get an easy kick, to avoid boredom, to connect or to avoid feelings or situations you don't want to face.
That's okay, but you're reading this because that rut is feeling sucky.
It aint your friend no more.
One solution to getting out of a rut is to chase your joys like your life depends on it.
If you've been online and a bit numb to your everyday life, you might not know where to start.
Here's a few amazing kick starters to help you find your spark and chase that joy you've been missing out on.
Grab a piece of paper and write down the answer to this (without thinking) for five minutes.
- I am happiest when I am..... with....
- If I could do anything I would....
- If I had a week off work/parenting I would...
- I day dream about getting back into... (what did you love doing that you stopped?)
- I know I'd love doing more... (what's working that you could do more of?)
Now, do three things.
- Pick the one you can do this week and schedule it in. Tell everyone you're doing it. Get excited.
- Read over your list and pick what makes your body charge up and spark. Start planning how you can make it happen.
- Tell the voice in your head that is worried and afraid about everything AND thinks you can't do anything different (everyone has this) that it's all good, you got this.
Okay four things...
4. Give yourself permission to have a happy life and go do something fun, however small.
Let me know how you go!
With love,
Lara
*By the way this variation of a reward is a key feature of addictive activities. They give you a buzz every so often, not every time, so you keep coming back (think about pokies/slot machines, scratchies etc).
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Five tricks to feeling great next time you're online
There's a simple way to tell how you're using your time online. It comes down to two words - clean or dirty. So are you clean or dirty online (haha, let's keep this clean)? Once you know, you'll have five new tricks to feeling great online.
Today I'm talking about how you feel when you're surfing online, browsing social media or checking your work email...
clean or dirty?
We all know the potential of the internet and what it can do for us, but the fact is, it can also be a major time-waster and energy drainer.
Are you using your time online to improve life or to check out of it?
Let's look at 'clean' and 'dirty' time online to help us understand how to live better online.
Clean time online is largely conscious. You're in your body and your brain. You're there for a reason and it's meaningful, whether it be for fun, to connect with others, to do a job (pay a bill, research, buy something) or to work. Once your task is complete, you are done.
Dirty time online is largely unconscious time. You ended up online because it's habit or you can't be bothered doing anything else. You are clicking, scrolling and browsing for no particular reason and getting next to nothing out of it. You finish up online and feel tired and blah. There goes another night.
So think about your last session online and ask yourself these five questions:
1. Did you consciously choose to go online/connect to your email, or did your fingers do the walking before you could think twice?
Yes - Clean
No - Dirty
2. When you are online, are you just focused on that task? Being focused on more than one task means that you are online and doing other things e.g. watching tv, talking to someone, watching your kids, cooking dinner.
Yes - Clean
No - Dirty
3. Are you online to get something done - have fun, connect, research, shop, work - or because you are wanting to escape an unwanted feeling like boredom, irritation or loneliness?
Yes - Clean
No - Dirty
4. After the task is done, do you go offline and get back to living your life?
Yes - Clean
No - Dirty
5. When you go offline, do you feel more energised and satisfied than you did before you started?
Yes - Clean
No - Dirty
If you're answering no to one or more of these questions, it's time to think about how you want to use the internet - to enhance or detract from your life.
To use the internet as a tool, rather than a stop-gap and compulsive habit aim for your time to be conscious, focused, purposeful, time-limited and energising.
To create some space to make wiser decisions about internet use and make the most of your life, get my free guide below.
Go gently,
Lara xx
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop!
You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…
For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.
This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.
Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.
For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection.
It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?
The Upper Limit Problem.
Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’. When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.
It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.
The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.
It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.
There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.
They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.
1. We are fundamentally flawed.
People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.
It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.
2. We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.
This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.
This fear is built on family rules and guilt.
3. More success, bigger burden.
This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.
A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.
4. Outshining.
We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!
But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.
5. Fear of pain and loss.
I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships.
Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.
Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:
· Worrying;
· Blame and criticism;
· Getting sick;
· Squabbling;
· Hiding significant feelings;
· Not keeping agreements;
· Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).
So what to do?
First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.
Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat. Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.
Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.
Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear.
Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!
To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.
So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!
If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach
Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!
I'd love to journey with you.
Go gently,
Lara xox
P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Find SET ME FREE on facebook
previous blog posts
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May 2024
- May 10, 2024 Where ADHDers shine or struggle as managers at work. May 10, 2024
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March 2023
- Mar 3, 2023 Work-life balance is never going to happen. Mar 3, 2023
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November 2022
- Nov 2, 2022 'Be realistic' is terrible advice for women. Nov 2, 2022
- Nov 2, 2022 Stuck on making a decision about your work-life? Nov 2, 2022
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February 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 What do you need today? Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 Increasing your confidence at work - starting today. Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 Do you need a time-management reset at work? Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 What are your 'Greatest Hits' that bring you down? Feb 24, 2022
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November 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 The feeling of 'not enough' at work. Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Happiness fatigue at work Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Get to know your patterns of procrastination (avoidance) at work Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Parental burnout versus professional burnout Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 How to feel worthy of your dream job. Nov 11, 2021
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October 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Work and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Have you heard of the River of Misery? Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Why is it so hard to believe good things about yourself? Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 What if you never feel like it? Oct 22, 2021
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September 2021
- Sep 30, 2021 An easy mistake that you might be making at work (and how to avoid it!). Sep 30, 2021
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June 2021
- Jun 27, 2021 Dealing with overwhelm at work. Jun 27, 2021
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June 2019
- Jun 4, 2019 Upset, frustrated or stressed at work? You MUST hear this. Jun 4, 2019
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May 2019
- May 21, 2019 What I learned from major burn out. May 21, 2019
- May 14, 2019 Thriving in your job while you're waiting to leave. May 14, 2019
- May 1, 2019 4 ways to make work more peaceful. May 1, 2019
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November 2018
- Nov 28, 2018 Finish your work on a high for 2018! Nov 28, 2018
- Nov 21, 2018 Meet your potential at work in three steps Nov 21, 2018
- Nov 14, 2018 How to tell if your workplace is out of whack. Nov 14, 2018
- Nov 3, 2018 Dreaming about having a different job? Nov 3, 2018
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October 2018
- Oct 25, 2018 3 ways to cope with backlash from shining. Oct 25, 2018
- Oct 3, 2018 You can’t afford to ignore this at work. Oct 3, 2018
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August 2018
- Aug 15, 2018 100,000 hours of work... Aug 15, 2018
- Aug 3, 2018 What you must know about jealousy at work. Aug 3, 2018
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July 2018
- Jul 26, 2018 The recipe to a happy working life. Jul 26, 2018
- Jul 18, 2018 Stop using self-criticism as motivation. Jul 18, 2018
- Jul 12, 2018 Why don't you act on all those revelations you have? Jul 12, 2018
- Jul 5, 2018 "I just want to feel like I'm on the right path" Jul 5, 2018
- Jul 5, 2018 "I don't want to seem like I'm up myself" Jul 5, 2018
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June 2018
- Jun 16, 2018 Ask the right people... here they are! Jun 16, 2018
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May 2018
- May 23, 2018 There is help for your path all around you! May 23, 2018
- May 3, 2018 Can you beat your inner critic? May 3, 2018
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April 2018
- Apr 19, 2018 What you need to know about confidence. Apr 19, 2018
- Apr 13, 2018 You are not a perfect robot (and that's good news) Apr 13, 2018
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March 2018
- Mar 30, 2018 Live the Sh*t out of Your Life Mar 30, 2018
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February 2018
- Feb 9, 2018 What's your big project? Feb 9, 2018
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December 2017
- Dec 19, 2017 Four questions to help you finish 2017 with a bang! Dec 19, 2017
- Dec 13, 2017 Stop looking up and start looking sideways for your next career move Dec 13, 2017
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November 2017
- Nov 22, 2017 Want to find your purpose? It's easier than you think. Nov 22, 2017
- Nov 9, 2017 Fertility, work and having an incredible life Nov 9, 2017
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October 2017
- Oct 26, 2017 What to do when you don't want your calling. Oct 26, 2017
- Oct 19, 2017 What to do when you don't know what to say about gender, 'race' and other big issues. Oct 19, 2017
- Oct 11, 2017 One facet of mental health you must know about. Oct 11, 2017
- Oct 5, 2017 Bring spring into your life Oct 5, 2017
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September 2017
- Sep 29, 2017 How to thrive in competitive work environments. Sep 29, 2017
- Sep 20, 2017 Finding peace in your crazy work day. Sep 20, 2017
- Sep 8, 2017 Is body confidence holding you back at work? Sep 8, 2017
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August 2017
- Aug 23, 2017 You landed your dream job, now what? Aug 23, 2017
- Aug 18, 2017 Sometimes, it's all about the in-betweener. Aug 18, 2017
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July 2017
- Jul 30, 2017 Great work friends aren't enough. Jul 30, 2017
- Jul 23, 2017 Making life more fulfilling is easier than you think. Jul 23, 2017
- Jul 14, 2017 Work should add to your life, not drain it. Jul 14, 2017
- Jul 8, 2017 Is your workplace welcoming? Jul 8, 2017
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June 2017
- Jun 30, 2017 Stop thinking about work and reclaim your nights! Jun 30, 2017
- Jun 23, 2017 Five steps to feeling fabulous with your work look. Jun 23, 2017
- Jun 2, 2017 Are you being an adult or a child in your life? Jun 2, 2017
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May 2017
- May 26, 2017 What to do when you hate your work - your action plan May 26, 2017
- May 19, 2017 The reason for all your bad habits (you might be surprised!) May 19, 2017
- May 12, 2017 One quick fix to make everything better. May 12, 2017
- May 4, 2017 Truth time: Is it possible to 'leave work at work'? May 4, 2017
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April 2017
- Apr 28, 2017 The million dollar question - what can you really do? Apr 28, 2017
- Apr 20, 2017 The real 'enemy' we all need to fight immediately. Apr 20, 2017
- Apr 13, 2017 Put away the whip - find an approach to motivation that works Apr 13, 2017
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March 2017
- Mar 31, 2017 Stop letting work define your worth. Mar 31, 2017
- Mar 24, 2017 Words to bring you back to yourself (a love note to you) Mar 24, 2017
- Mar 17, 2017 The opinion you need when you're taking a risk. Mar 17, 2017
- Mar 10, 2017 What to do when life seems unclear: Five things you can do right now. Mar 10, 2017
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February 2017
- Feb 16, 2017 A hilarious (and useful) confidence boost at work. Feb 16, 2017
- Feb 10, 2017 Must do emotional prep before your next career move. Feb 10, 2017
- Feb 3, 2017 Make your work day more fun and meaningful (while you find something better). Feb 3, 2017
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January 2017
- Jan 28, 2017 Want to leave your job? Three things to get from it before you move on. Jan 28, 2017
- Jan 12, 2017 Five things every workspace needs (especially if you hate your job) Jan 12, 2017
- Jan 6, 2017 "Oh, I'd never do that just for me": Screw that, you're worth it. Jan 6, 2017
- Jan 2, 2017 Dreading going back to work? Read this. Jan 2, 2017
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December 2016
- Dec 26, 2016 You rocked this year: Time to pat yourself on the back Dec 26, 2016
- Dec 16, 2016 Let it go: What is it time to drop in 2017? Dec 16, 2016
- Dec 2, 2016 Why you need never worry about failure again. Dec 2, 2016
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November 2016
- Nov 25, 2016 "It's too late to change careers" and other lies we tell ourselves. Nov 25, 2016
- Nov 17, 2016 Why you should keep your day job (while you go for the business your dreams). Nov 17, 2016
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September 2016
- Sep 11, 2016 Listening to ourselves is scary but the alternative is terrifying Sep 11, 2016
- Sep 5, 2016 Busy? What you must include in your day to stay healthy and happy. Sep 5, 2016
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August 2016
- Aug 31, 2016 Lost loves: What have you given up that you loved doing? Aug 31, 2016
- Aug 21, 2016 How to do what you want (but don't get around to) Aug 21, 2016
- Aug 18, 2016 How understanding fear can help you save the world (I'm serious). Aug 18, 2016
- Aug 14, 2016 Sliding doors: The small choices that make or break us Aug 14, 2016
- Aug 10, 2016 (Dis)comfort zones: The crappy things we choose every day. Aug 10, 2016
- Aug 7, 2016 What the hell is a life coach? (Hint: It's not what you think) Aug 7, 2016
- Aug 3, 2016 How to be ambitious without being an as*hole Aug 3, 2016
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July 2016
- Jul 27, 2016 Are you sensitive? Why it matters. Big time. Jul 27, 2016
- Jul 17, 2016 The three keys to dealing with worry. Jul 17, 2016
- Jul 13, 2016 Do you share these regrets? Jul 13, 2016
- Jul 10, 2016 Ever thought you'd like to be a superhero? Well here's your chance! Jul 10, 2016
- Jul 6, 2016 What I know for sure. Eight principles that will transform your life. Jul 6, 2016
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June 2016
- Jun 29, 2016 What are you avoiding? It's costing you. Jun 29, 2016
- Jun 26, 2016 Five ways to survive political uncertainty without losing your mind. Jun 26, 2016
- Jun 22, 2016 What to do when others don't want you to change: Snap-back attack! Jun 22, 2016
- Jun 8, 2016 Do you ever really switch off? Why it needs to be your top priority. Jun 8, 2016
- Jun 5, 2016 How to be mindful when you're online. Jun 5, 2016
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May 2016
- May 31, 2016 Joy signpost #2: What can't you shut up about?! May 31, 2016
- May 28, 2016 Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time. May 28, 2016
- May 25, 2016 Everything is great except... what behaviour(s) are you holding onto and why? May 25, 2016
- May 22, 2016 Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it. May 22, 2016
- May 18, 2016 How time online could make you happier May 18, 2016
- May 16, 2016 Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone. May 16, 2016
- May 15, 2016 Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night. May 15, 2016
- May 12, 2016 Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear May 12, 2016
- May 4, 2016 It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail. May 4, 2016
- May 1, 2016 #truthbomb - Your morning routine sucks - what to do instead of being on your phone May 1, 2016
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April 2016
- Apr 28, 2016 Five ways to find your passions, chase joy (and easily get out of your rut) Apr 28, 2016
- Apr 26, 2016 Procrastinators, unite! A fun clip you need watch right now Apr 26, 2016
- Apr 20, 2016 Five tricks to feeling great next time you're online Apr 20, 2016
- Apr 15, 2016 Mindful eating: Ultimate toddler challenge edition Apr 15, 2016
- Apr 10, 2016 Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop! Apr 10, 2016