Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.

Hi everyone,

I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
 
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
 
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
 
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing. 
 
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
 
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
 
You are not someone broken to be fixed.

You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).

Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
 
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest. 

Who you really are and what you really want.
 
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be.  (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
 
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
 
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish. 

This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
 
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
 
So good!
 
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –

1. What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
2. What are your small, medium and large dreams?
3. Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
4. What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.

We had some great posts this week -

If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.

To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.

Have a great week!

Lara
xox

P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night.

Most people take 'me' time every night by spending time on their phone, iPad or computer.  

We all need relaxation time, but the fact is that spending time online generally doesn't leave us feeling peaceful, happy and energised. It's just something easy. 

I think many of us have forgotten how to wind down and create evenings that make us feel really good, instead of the groundhog day of work, eat, go online, sleep, go online, repeat (add parenting or hanging out with partners and friends occasionally).

I've developed a great way to create a rejuvenating and awesome night, every night, or whenever you wish...

It starts with giving your devices a bed time. 

Turn them all off and do it a good hour or more before you'd like to go to bed. 

Once they're switched off, you might feel a bit weird or lost.

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Here's four easy steps to creating a kick ass night for yourself!

FERC it!

1. Do something Fun.

What do you find fun? It can be as random or as commonplace as you like. At home, it might be watching your favourite show or reading a new novel. Drawing, dancing, going for a walk or painting your nails (this all applies to guys too!). Rearrange the room or redecorate (am I alone in loving this?!). Go for a run or do a group exercise class. Whatever floats your boat and leaves you feeling *HAPPY*. 

2. Do something that makes your life Easier tomorrow.

Do something that takes about 1-10 minutes but doesn't take over your night. Get your clothes ready, pack your lunch, do anything that will take a bit of pressure off. You'll be happy with yourself tomorrow.

3. Relax. 

Water is so relaxing. Take a bath or have a shower to wind down. Soak your feet in warm water.

Listen to whatever music matches your mood (okay, so this might require a device, just use it mindfully for music only - don't multitask with it).

If you live with someone, give each other a massage.

Do an activity that you find makes you chill out - this might also tick the Fun box :)

4. Connect with yourself and/or others. 

Take some time to be in your own company. Sit quietly, write whatever comes to mind or go for a walk. If you don't have much time to yourself normally, you might find that a lot of things come to mind that you need to do. Just jot them down and carry on. Bath time or a shower, as well as listening to music can also be a perfect way to connect with yourself.

Connecting with others! How many of us don't keep in touch with friends or family we dearly love? Give someone a call or Skype, write an email (try doing it in MS word so you don't end up drowning in emails) or even go old school and write a letter. Go out for a meal or a movie. Whatever!

Connect with who you live with. I must admit, for me these FERC activities mostly occur after my daughter is in bed, though sometimes they overlap. I'm more talking about housemates and partners here. Have a good chat. Do something together without also being on your phones. PUT THE PHONES AWAY. 

I don't think it's too crude to say that if you're on your phone, you're not creating the kind of intimacy that leads naturally to other kinds of connection... wink wink nudge nudge. So that activity will also tick the fun and relax box!

When you FERC your night, you might find that you are tired earlier than you would think, because you usually ignore it and stay online. This means you might go to bed earlier and get out of a cycle of fatigue. Totally life changing.

You might also find you sleep better, without the blue light mucking with your melatonin.

So there you go! FERC your night whenever possible and you'll find that you look forward to it. You'll have more fun ideas (what you pay attention to grows) and your relationships will get more TLC.

All of this promotes your mental wellbeing and brings energy and clarity into the rest of your life.

Yahoo!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.